If you are unfamiliar of Blues broadcaster Darren Pang, you should be ashamed of yourself because the man is a real treat, a delight and an underrated national treasure for crying out loud. He’s a former NHL netminder, who had 3 stints on the big stage with the Chicago Blackhawks (which we don’t hold that against you). In 81 career games, the Kildonan, MB, Canada native amassed a record of 27-35-7, with a .88 save percentage and 4.05 GAA. He also set a Blackhawks’ goalie record with 6 assists in the 1987-88 season. Pang is also considered the 2nd shortest goalie of all time in the NHL, standing at a ginormous 5’5.
Now his career stats won’t knock your socks off, but the man can really set the mood with his lyrically-unique and hilarious-sounding commentary. Pang, AKA Panger as his colleagues call him, has been in the broadcasting/hockey analyst game for quite some time, doing 13 seasons with NHL on NBC and has been with the Blues cast since 2009. Like I said, the man is an amazing wordsmith, with classic lines such as, “gave him the ol’ nine of hearts,” or “the puck was spinning like you read about.” In honor of Panger, this, and following segments will quote his best lines and me trying my best to properly explain what he’s saying. Here’s the best of Panger so far:
“Gave him the ol’ stinky left leather mit” – Referring to a scrum during stoppage when a player jabs another in the face.
“Oshie with the dipsy-doodler wrangler” – Oshie’s with his very impressive puck handling during a shootout attempt.
“Oh I think he was trying to pull that, get Price to open up that garage door between his legs” – Steener’s SO attempt to go 5-hole against Carey Price.
“Schwartzy can stop on a dime and give you a nickel change.” – In reference to Jaden Schwartz’s quick stop-and-go feet work.
“His headset has a few gremlins in there.” – Panger describing a technical difficulty.
“… with the howitzer!” – A hard, fast slapshot.
“He’s gonna get hooked there… looking like he’s dancing in a phone booth.” – Someone drawing a hooking penalty.
“He gave him a how ya doin’ thanks for coming.” – Can be used to describe a great save, or a great goal.
And lastly the “had the puck on a string like you read about.” – Someone with a great puck handling play.
We raise our ice cold Bud Light’s to you, Mr. Darren Pang. May your quotes be witty, hilarious, and sometimes borderline incoherent. Here’s to you, Panger. Keep em’ coming.