2017 Update: The Cardinals find themselves in another playoff race that could go down to the wire. This time they’re not only in the hunt for a wild card spot, but the NL Central as well. That means the Cardinals need our help. And the only way I know how to help is by drinking!
2016 Update: Wow. The end of the Cincinnati series was crazy. I’m not saying it was all due to drinking, but it couldn’t have hurt.
With 4 games to play the St. Louis Cardinals trail the San Francisco Giants by one game in the National League Wild Card race. After the second disappointing loss to the Cincinnati Reds in 3 games the Cardinals need our help. And there’s only one sure-fire way that I know of for the common fan to effect the game. Drinking.
What follows is our proprietary methodology for increasing the Cardinals chances of winning by drinking. We’ll call it DAR (drinks above replacement). It doesn’t have to make sense. This is baseball it was made for drinking.
Pre Game
At the ballpark – Go to Kilroy’s grab a tall boy Diesel. High five a buddy.
At home – Crack open a cold frosty one and start building your beeramid.
Somewhere else – Grab the closest beer and get started. We’ve got 9 innings to cover.
Mathenaging
Matheny bats his hottest hitter 8th – 8 drinks
Matheny starts his coldest hitter (Moss) – Cry a little. Drink a lot.
Double switch – 2 drinks.
Double switch that has the pitcher’s spot batting cleanup before the 9th – Grab your neighbors beer. Finish it.
Tommy Pham gets an at-bat – 1 drink (2017 Update: Sadly still kind of relevant.)
Tommy Pham gets on base – 2 drinks
Broxton enters the game with a slim lead – Get as drunk as Matheny already is.
Seung Hwan Oh used before the 9th – Drink for every out the Final Boss gets.
2017 Update: Sueng Hwan Oh enters the game with a slim lead – Get as drunk as Matheny already is. (Oh how the times have changed.)
2017 Update: Juan Nicasio gets a save against the Pirates – Finish your beer. Open a new “celebration” beer. High five a Phillies fan.
Game Time
Single, double, triple, homer – 1 drink, 2 drinks, 3 drinks, 4 drinks respectively
Granny – Chug until the batter reaches home
Ball in the gap with Yadi on first – Drink until he stops running
Someone strikes out on a ball that hits in front of the plate – 1 drink (Looking at you Randy.)
Find ‘Ward the beer guy – Buy a RBI beer. Watch the RBIs pile up. 2017 Update: If anyone knows the whereabouts of ‘Ward let us know.
2017 Update: Mic picks up Piscotty cursing after an out – Buy a beer chiller from his brother.
Break Ins
Break in to the Mets / Giants game – 1 drink
2017 Update: Break in to a Cubs / Rockies / Brewers game – 1 drink. 2 if they’re losing.
Yoenis Cespedes robbed of a game winning homerun – Have a friend lob a beer up for you to jump and catch. Then chug it. 2017 Update: Not relevant to the playoffs but still fun. So I’m leaving it.
Hunter Pence gets beamed up into a UFO by his alien family – Hold up a finger like ET. Take a drink. 2017 Update: See Above
2017 Update: Charlie Blackmon’s beard catches a gust of wind covering his eyes resulting in a walk off inside the parker. – Drink a beer filtered by your buddy’s beard.
2017 Update: John Lackey mouth breathes his way through a game – Drink for every mouth breath.
Back to the Game
Cards make an error on a routine play – Pantomime juggling your beer before taking a drink 2017 Update: Still relevant. 😞
Runner makes an out between 2nd and 3rd – 3 drinks 2017 Update: 😐
Runner makes an out between 3rd and home – 4 drinks 2017 Update: HAS NOTHING CHANGED!?
Can’t score a runner from third with less than 2 outs – 1 drink for every out remaining
Birds hit another pinch hit homerun – 4 drinks
Down in the 7th, 8th, 9th coming to bat – Rally Shot!
Birds win! – Finish your drink!
Birds lose – Finish your drink! Rage quit. Maybe throw your empty bottles at a train. I hear it’s fun.
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